Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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