Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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