How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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