You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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