I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
