Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
