Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
babies were throwing up all over the place
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
