I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
