You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
