a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
