we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
