WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
