Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
