i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
