i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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