just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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