dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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