ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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