I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
