I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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