My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
