There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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