Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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