I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
