Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
