you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just google imaged poop.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
