There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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