Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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