it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
