she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
