i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
