Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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