I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
