I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
