I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
