I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
