if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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