how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
