Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
