I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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