I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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