I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
