Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Two words: blizzard sex
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
