The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
