FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
