You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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