she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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