my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
