Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
