Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
