Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
