I wish I could punch you in the face.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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