My liver just broke up with me...
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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