Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
