dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
