Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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