New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
