he puts the penis in happiness.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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